It’s been a while….
I know I never said I “would” write a blog update every couple of weeks or even every week…but it just happened…and then Christmas came and went….and I have been busy with a new job…and I have been sort of avoiding you.
There was this blip….
Rewind to the meeting I had in Oxford in early February…the standard 3 monthly check up….I was so excited about meeting The Prof and equally mortified about the fact that my gargantuan behind was on display in a skimpy thong….the fact that I was there for an oncology check didn’t really register at the time.
Or even immediately afterwards…..
…and then about 3 days later I woke up in the middle of the night having a panic attack of sorts…..anxiety…I have experienced it before…..my heart was thumping so loud I could hear the heart beat…my mind couldn’t & wouldn’t switch off. During the appointment The Prof had checked my lymph nodes….part of the routine check-up….I didn’t think about it at the time….but 3 days later I was suddenly wide awake at 3am knowing….utterly convinced….that The Prof had spent more time feeling the lymph nodes in my right arm pit than my left….why?
I checked myself…as you do as a paranoid Melanoma patient at 3am…..and again at 3.30….and then 4am……I must have nodded off after then but my armpit was the first thing I checked when I woke.
I didn’t tell anyone……I wasn’t actually sure I could feel anything there….I mean it felt “different”….but having never had a lymph node that has actually been problematic I wasn’t sure what to be feeling for…there were no stand out lumps bigger than a pea….nothing noticeable.
But suddenly my armpit felt like it was not my own….I would feel a strange ache (no doubt caused by my excessive prodding) and need to check again…could I feel whatever it was that he had been feeling???
After a few more days of self inflicted torture I shared my fears with The Mr.
He felt the offending armpit….thought he could feel something but thought it was more tissue like….under where my Sentinel Node biopsy scar was….
So for a few hours I tried to stop my mind thinking….”is this it?”…
Through some twist in fate and diary scheduling my Oncology appointment had fallen slightly later than the strict 6 month mark & the Plastics appointment had been scheduled earlier….I had originally planned on contacting The Surgeons secretary to get the plastics appointment moved back to April or May…but decided to leave it in March as this would mean I only had a few weeks to wait until I would see The Surgeon, he could check my armpit lymph nodes and provide all the reassurance I need…
Only then…completely out of the blue I had a letter from The Surgeons secretary advising that due to unforeseen circumstances they needed to bring the appointment forward a week.
Of course there was no link….but by now I was a mess in my head and logic was out the window…
In my mind at this point in time The Prof had spoken to The Surgeon and told him I had lymph nodes that needed to be monitored….and that as a result the appointment had been brought forwards.
Madness! I started googling randomly how to detect lymph node problems….I tried calling his secretary but couldn’t actually bring myself to leave a message just encase I sounded as mad as I actually was. This lasted about 5 days…..then I received another letter (give them their credit…Oxford are quite thorough at communicating with patients)….this time from The Prof noting that I was in good health and when I would next be seen by Oncology.
So I was ok…….?
A few days later I had another letter from The Surgeons secretary….Mr Cassell had received the same letter as I had from The Prof and seeing as I had only just seen Mark Middleton would I like to reschedule or did I want to leave the appointment where it was.
We moved the communication to the quickest (and for me easiest method) and we emailed…..I was happy to move the appointment…If The Prof thought I was ok…..and really there isn’t anything in my armpit of any concern…..plus I actually feel well…..it’s all in my mind isn’t it….all the paranoia…all the fear…the panic of the unknown.
I think that’s what it came down to…..the unknown……So many people I knew with Melanoma were facing such enormous battles and yet there I was…still ok…still NED. My mind wasn’t and isn’t as comfortable yet with my “good health” as I thought.
It wasn’t that I didn’t feel I should be well…..just that I had stopped “virtually pinching” myself every day to thank my lucky stars that I had another day.
I had stopped living week to week…or even month to month & was actually in a place of vague sanity where I have been thinking more than 3 months ahead of myself and this mindblip was like my mind reminding me that I shouldn’t get complacent….I shouldn’t forget the monster.
So I stepped away…at first because I was on a mini meltdown in my mind….and then because I just needed to stop trying to be ok….or to stop telling you I was ok when actually I just felt scared…scared that I don’t know what I have ahead…and scared of living forever with this horrid feeling of uncertainty… “waiting” for Melanoma to strike again is all consuming and I need to find a way to not wait….somehow.