Today I had a CT Scan…officially my “annual” scan – although frequency of scans does differ across trusts.
I have had 2 scans already so this isn’t a first for me….the first just after diagnosis…which was excruciatingly painful….they shouldn’t be.
The 2nd in Oxford whilst trying to get onto the Drug Trial last year… which was done the same afternoon as I had had a tooth extracted in the morning ….no link-my teeth didn’t like pregnancy so I have had problems with 2 molars on either side since babies…gggrrrr…(the things they don’t tell you about having little people!)…anyhoo….I had the tooth extracted (seriously close to worst pain in my life ever!)…hopped in the car & drove up to Oxford to have a CT scan that afternoon – with a wedge of gauze against my gum to stop the bleeding!
I warned you previously that I lead an insanely exciting life!
So CT scans shouldn’t be a thing of nerves….they shouldn’t cause apprehension…..but ask any Melanoma patient what happens to them before a CT/MRI or PET scan and you will get a variation of 1 answer….Scanxiety.
It shouldn’t really start before the test itself…..but in reality it starts to creep up gradually right from the day that you get that letter in the post confirming the date & time of the scan.
Restless nights, lack of appetite, headaches and a dramatic increase of paranoia over all of the standard Melanoma worries….is this gland in my neck swollen…how many days have I had that snuffle….a headache caused by lack of sleep & worry becomes a tumour (brain met) ….the anxiety…scanxiety..adds to the paranoia.
By this morning I was darned close to a gibbering wreck!
So I went to work – as you do – and continued with life as I currently know it – well sort of….My work involves smart….office attire….I was leaving straight from work to go directly to Oxford…but I was seeing clients in the morning so the opportunity to dress down wasn’t there. However you can’t have a CT scan if you are wearing metal…..removing zips, buttons and underwired bras from my work wardrobe is like taking the frosting off a cupcake….evil! Since running, my “la-las” are less La-la and more La-lo…so taking underwired uplifting add to me boobie-keeper-safers out of the equation during my working day is like asking me to go to work without makeup on….ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!
I keep waiting for some lovely plastic surgeon to take pity…”those La-Las need some new life my dear…I can sort that out for you”….but as yet that hasn’t happened…and probably never will…purely from lawsuit protection rather than their own burning need to inform me that an uplift wouldn’t be a bad idea!!
Anyhoo….I digress (again – I blame the butterflies!)….when I had flapped, fretted and faffed over everything possible to side-track myself from my afternoons entertainment I once again hopped in my lovely Figaro and whizzed (safely and carefully drove within national speed limit guidelines) up to Oxford.
I had followed the instructions as to no food for 2 hours and the type of liquid allowed pre-scan.
Various hospitals have done this differently – but basically you need an empty stomach and a chemical….some require a full bladder…thankfully not today!
A chemical called a Contrast Medium was injected into my arm – this is a radioactive liquid and is the liquid that helps to identify clumps / masses within the body….effectively we are looking for tumours – known in Melanoma terms as Mets – anywhere on the body….this dye will also indicate if any of the lymph nodes are enlarged…now I can’t physically feel any that are – but there are many that are further within the body that you can’t feel.
The dye has a warm fuzzy feeling as it moves through your veins …it creates a warming “need to pee” like sensation…I kid you not I actually wonder if there are not more modern options available and if the radiographers just quite like a giggle so stick to this leg twisting, panic inducing option….no….ok…just me then!
A few arm stretches, holding of breathe moments…and less than 20 minutes later it is all done….
Once again I re-iterate…why am I so tense about a CT scan??? …ah but you see…it’s the not knowing still…the can I relax or not bit…then the Radiographer comes in…removes the cannula whilst you desperately try and search their eyes or face for some indication of what they have seen…..because they have…if there is anything there…granted they now need to examine the scan images in more detail & report their findings to the MDT (Multi Disciplinary Team) that is made up of Oncologists, Dermatologists, Plastic Surgeons, Radiographers, Nurses…basically anyone involved in the all-round care of a Melanoma patient…and that meeting won’t happen until Thursday 7th…
So I can search those eyes for some kind of sign…a glimmer of hope, or a sadness that avoids telling me the news I don’t want to hear….but they are like aliens these people…paid acting aliens – not even so much as a flicker crosses the face…a closed book.
So now…not before the scan…now the Scanxiety really begins.
Every single tiny, minute, seemingly innocent, innocuous, irrelevant thing will become life threatening in my mind over the next week.
The b&%$*£d that Melanoma is, means that this, is it’s forte….hiding….waiting…..not divulging it’s plans.
You will be pleased to know my sanity remains somewhat intact even though my hands tremble just a little more than they should.