I have a confession….I have been avoiding you.
Since my last Blog update I have felt a bit like I had been “dumped” & forgotten about because I didn’t get onto the trial.
I have spent the last 5 months living from one appointment to the next – I knew what was coming & could schedule my life, my thoughts & energies around a succession of tests & appointments.
I haven’t been sleeping well, I feel empty. My head is filled with a” what happens next” worry.
I sent emails to various special people in Oxford & linked to the trial to express my desire to stay with Oxford & have an Oxford Oncologist – preferably even Professor Middleton as my Oncologist.
I want to get into the Christmas Spirit…..I am such a fan of every Christmassy…but I am struggling.
Then I had a phone call from the Gastroenterologist that did my Colonoscopy last month. He was worried what had happened to me & although he knew how much I wanted to get onto the trial he suspected that the polyps he took out would prohibit my eligibility. He wants to see me (& The Mr) before removing the 2 remaining Polyps & I expect to see him at some point early next year. He wants to see me to discuss the procedure & the serious potential complications removing the flat lesions in my colon….you know the usual…perforating & rupturing the colon…blah blah blah.
It was a nice conversation with a man that actually took the time to care for his patient – to go that extra mile…it made me feel less dropped…it reminded me why I want to continue to be cared for by Oxford.
Then I had another letter…I have an appointment for 23rd January….to be seen by Professor Middletons Melanoma Clinic……(Oxford!) I don’t know what the appointment is for…..and really I am quite happy not knowing….I have hope again. I have something to look towards – medically speaking.
A friend made a suggestion that echoed my own thoughts. I need to change perspective on how I tackle this new chapter, I need to find my own way to “live in the now”….to take each moment as precious, to enjoy everything & to not wear myself down with worries of what if.
She is right…I have been gloomy….full of sorrow….I couldn’t snap myself out of the greyness that I was feeling & The Mr picked up on my vibe. It turns out he has been feeling a bit blue too & actually it all boil down to Christmas.
I am scared.
Christmas is such a magical time for me & my family & I am utterly terrified of the idea that this could be my last. I know logic says that this is unlikely. I know that it hasn’t spread inside me yet, & at this moment in time I am in good health…..but I hear enough stories, and personal tales about Melanoma to know that it is a horrible lottery without a winning ticket. You just never know when. It can happen fast….it can take several years…..but it almost always happens.
The little people are my world. They have powers that cannot be measured. Their excitement and eager anticipation helps pull me into the now.
The Advent Calendar doors open, each one bringing new treats. The tree lights sparkle, the excited little people counting down the days. I have distraction.
This lady intends to make every single minute of Christmas 2013 count. This lady is going to take her Moody Cow Hat off.
Tis the season after all!