I have just had my 6 monthly skin check with The Surgeon, aka, Mr Oliver Cassell.
The usual routine beforehand…the pattern that I once thought was unique to me…but have since discovered is replicated in one form or another by most Melanoma patients prior to this ritual of disrobing…..the 5.30am wakeup to shower, shave legs and *cough* other maintenance. The scurrying around trying not to wake the household whilst trying to find matching underwear that isn’t grey & skanky looking nor indecent as was my fatal mistake at my last hospital appointment.
Many of you will know, however, that this appointment was a little bit more important than just a bog standard check-up. I needed that peace of mind that would hopefully come from The Surgeon checking the lymph nodes in my right armpit that had caused that Mind blip that blighted me for over a month. Not to mention there were a few moles that I was starting to get suspicious about.
Thankfully, with complete confidence and to my utter relief, I was informed that he was happy with my top half & there is nothing of concern with my bottom half…..I am equally pleased to inform those of you who are at this point giggling, whilst expectantly waiting for the “and I quipped back with – good job someone’s happy with my top half because running has destroyed my La-La’s” – or “J. Lo would be proud of my behind…I however am mightily concerned with its rather epic proportions”…..but I need to stipulate that I am still “trying” to pretend to The Surgeon that I am vaguely sane & considering he has been such a support on a project I am working on I feel it is best to bite my lip whenever I feel the urge to be funny…..although I expect this illusion is just mine!
The relief of a positive hospital appointment is, for any Melanoma patient, like a wave of euphoria. Addictive – almost giddy like, you bound down the corridor, leave the hospital and head towards home, work or whatever else is required in your day.
Today the sun was out in full force….and there was me…..in the car driving home….cursing my stupidity for having left the house early without applying sun lotion & having none at hand in the car.
The sun & sun protection remain a topic of much debate amongst some.
There are those who say it is like shutting the barn door after the horse has bolted – the damage is done so why be paranoid about protecting oneself and look like a ghost, when I already have Melanoma. Granted, I could get another Melanoma, but what I already have is enough to say – sod the sense & boring practicalities and just be reckless & carefree.
Others don’t leave the house without long sleeves, hats & SPF50 even on winter days because of the “Melanoia” (paranoia induced by Melanoma) and ensuing hideous nausea and panic …the fear of the sunshine and what it has done or could do is often all consuming.
I worry that, with the “assumption” that my Melanoma could be the result of accumulated UV levels over time & that if I top up those already high levels in my system that I am just feeding the monster….but there is also a sound argument to say that Vitamin D, which we create through exposure to sunlight, is used by our bodies to defend against cancer and repair the damage it causes – lack of VitD is linked to depression…Vitamin D is vital for a functioning immune system….it’s a balancing act inside our bodies & I am still learning to find that balance.
I shouldn’t let the sun play such games with my mind. Like so many Melanoma patients when I look outside the window on a gorgeous sunny day I turn almost bi-polar – half of my mind delights at the sunshine and wants to bask in its warmth and enjoy ….yet the other half feels fearful….for myself and for my children & their precious skin. I can’t win – I want them to live & enjoy their lives as normally as possible…yet I want them to understand risk and take that 10 minutes out every morning to apply sun lotion…and never go out without their sun hats.
Hasn’t my diagnosis affected them enough already?
With our holiday fast approaching the excitement builds….and so does my Melanoma practicality. The sun lotion has been purchased in bulk….and a spray tan session booked….I want to relax and enjoy my holiday without smelling like an apricot fruit loop and looking like a zebra.
I’m excited, I’m nervous….and in both good and bad ways Melanoma & my Melanoma is very much on my mind this week. I am now almost 22 months post diagnosis and have every reason to be pleased…I am being treated in a hospital where I trust those who look after me & I am starting, finally to get to a place where I think I understand Melanoma…I might not like what I now know….I certainly don’t know everything…but I don’t feel quite so lost any longer.
When it all first started…because I came into it all with such a crash…knowing absolutely nothing about Melanoma or Skin Cancer, I had to find out about the monster gradually….so I was scared…a lot…but I wasn’t aware all at once of everything – so the fear in many ways has been drip fed in slowly bit by bit…..and I think…for me at least that is a good thing.
I say this because very recently, when I was moaning/laughing off my month long Melanoma mind-blip to someone very important who actually works with Melanoma patients as a professional, I became aware that there are worse starting points. This person could relate and totally understood the paranoia….a personal experience of a skin related issue resulting in biopsy & minor surgery….followed by the wait…. the anxiety……and it made me realise in a really strange kind of humbling way, that whilst my rollercoaster has been terribly frightening, I couldn’t possibly imagine what it might be like to approach this as an expert….when you already know what melanoma can do – when you have seen its damage.
I know there is that saying better the devil you know….but I sure as hell am glad I didn’t know this devil beforehand.